Real American

       What is a real American? That question seems like such a simple question, but it is very hard to answer, especially when there is only three traits to answer the question. Do I scratch the surface and give three broad traits? Do I dig deep and find three traits that most Americans have, but do not realize? Or do I tap into Hulkamania and say real Americans say their prayers, eat their vitamins, and have 24 inch pythons for arms? A real American can mean something different to everyone. The idea is shaped by personal experiences, age, race, gender, or religion. How did I come to my conclusion of what a real American is? After thinking about it for a few days I decided to make it simple. I chose the first three traits that came to my mind. They have to be common enough to be right on the tip of my tongue, if I may use that cliché. A real American, to me, is competitive, individualistic, and materialistic.

Ever since the dawn of man, competitiveness has been a part of humans. Back then they were fighting over shelter and food, which can be said about the present time, although shelter has improved just a bit. Today, most Americans are in competition with one another. We fight over food, shelter, jobs, mates, and we even fight for sport. In the job field, the goal is to climb the corporate ladder to become the CEO of a company. Last time I checked, most companies only have one CEO. That means that we have to compete against our coworkers so we can be successful at work. Americans compete against one another when it come to finding a mate. The dating scene is a jungle of mating calls from both males and females. Girls buy clothes and shoes and wear makeup to impress the males. Males work on their physique to impress the ladies. If males do not have the body type to build such a physique, they develop a personality and sense of humor to make up for their failure in the looks department. 

Sports are the most obvious sign that Americans are competitive. What is the worlds most popular sport? If soccer came to mind, then I am betting you are a foreigner, but also correct. But soccer is not good enough for Americans when it comes to competition. No, Americans much prefer the more physical, grittier, aggressive form of competition. I am talking about football. Football is America’s favorite sport to watch and participate in. What is that I hear, “What about baseball, it is America’s past time?” To which I say, “Yeah, passed out on the couch, time.” Americans love to watch 250 pound guys slam into each other at full speed, just to watch the running backs femur shoot through the back of his leg. Americans have many sports to watch and play to get their competitive juices flowing. Basketball is so popular there are two versions of the game, collegiate or standard version and professional. Collegiate basketball or standard version, played from grade school to college, is where most above average players can do fairly well and most rules are followed, except in recruiting. While professional basketball is where giant behemoths run up and down the court before picking up their dribble at the three point line, take four steps, and slam it down on top of their opponent.

Next trait that Americans possess is being individualistic. Going back to an example from our last trait, the job market is a place to see individualism in full swing. It is hard to carry a coworker up a ladder. Especially when I envision a coworker who has sat in his or her cubicle way too long, eating too many Hostess treats, and rambling on about their red Swingline stapler. Also, after all that hard work of carrying the coworker up the ladder, there is only one spot open in upper management. In the job market it is a necessity to succeed as an individual. Sure teamwork seems great, but most jobs do not promote a team, they promote an individual. It is not about the work the individual puts in, it is about how the individual makes his or her work look better then the rest of the competition. This individualism also has made its way into sports. Just the other day I heard, “Watch LeBron James and the Miami Heat take on Joe Johnson and the Atlanta Hawks this Tuesday.” Do you hear what I hear? They have an individual before the team. Whoever said, “There is no I in team,” must have been foreign. Okay, most people probably think that they are millionaires with big egos, that does not define me, the average Joe American. Yes, I agree that they have egos the size of solar systems, but when was the last time somebody put someone else ahead of themselves? Most Americans would agree that one of the biggest nuisance in America are homeless beggars. The stereotype that all of them are dirty, smelly liars. “There is no way I am going to get near them,” said the average American. Do not blame the average American, it is not their fault. It is societies fault for making them individualistic and for not taking care of the nuisance that are homeless beggars. Getting rid of the homeless works too. 

The last trait of a real American is being materialistic. Americans love their stuff. The more stuff we have, the better we feel about ourselves. This stuff I am talking about is expensive gadgets and gizmos. How many Americans do not dream about living in their seven bedroom home with fourteen bathrooms? A pool in the backyard with a lazy river that leads into the entertainment wing of the house. Televisions, cars, computers, and sound systems everywhere. But enough about my life and house, these items make us feel better about ourselves and our situation in life. We show off our cars, gadgets, and gizmos to friends and neighbors. We compare what we have against each other, our competitive side coming out once again. Of course, we have to have the biggest, newest, and best items out their so we can flaunt what we have. Americans individualistic mindset kicks in. Americans are consumed by consumer goods. Materialism is so bad in America that it no longer contained to just gadgets and gizmos. People are now considered to be material possessions. We have all heard of trophy wives or husbands. We are so consumed by the need to look good to other people in our lives that our mates are possessions. Do not get me wrong, if you can have the goods to be a trophy spouse, like me, be a trophy spouse. It is a lot easier than carrying that tubby coworker up the ladder.

Who are these real Americans that I speak of? There everywhere from CEOs of companies to celebrities, and even reaching down to the neighbor across the street. I will give you an example of real America, but it will not be a politician. If you do not know that all politicians are real Americans, then you are more out of the loop than Helen Keller. An ideal real American is Tiger Woods. He competes year round in the Professional Golf Association. He owns countless cars and homes. He also likes sleeping around with other women because he only thinks about himself. He is also some weird sex addict. He has the looks that appeal to women, so he did not develop a personality. It is good that he did not have to because he is plainer then white rice. Everyone stand up, applaud (golf clap), and salute the ideal American, Tiger Woods.

Oh America, home of the competitive, individualistic, and materialistic. A place where it is socially acceptable to degrade coworkers to get ahead, just so it is easier to buy meaningless items to show the narrow-minded people in your life how awesome you are. What is the best way to become a real American? That is a simple question to answer. Step one, get ready to compete. No one likes a loser, like backwards, hillbilly mentally numb people form West Virginia. People need to stop sucking at life. Step two, the world revolves around the individual. Forget everyone else and be the best individual possible. Again, please government take those stinky homeless people and get them off the street. Send them to Mexico or something, I do not care. Step three, buy meaningless stuff. Losers do not drive last years model of cars. Buy this years model and tell all the losers to stop sucking at life. Now go out and be the best real American possible.